A Tinder guy stayed at my place for two weeks…in hindsight he probably had nowhere to stay and wasn’t actually avoiding the Russian mafia.
I can’t decide if dating is the funniest or the shittiest thing. I’ll probably never figure it out. It doesn’t matter anyway. You can’t escape dating. There are of course differences between first dates, second dates, one night stands, “date night”, Tinder or Hinge dates. They all smell different. But the premise is the same.
The fear and dread of meeting a stranger is a universal sacrifice we make in the pursuit of what we want, whether it’s love or a one-night stand. The latter can be – shockingly – even difficult to find.
But that’s it, we all know why we’re here.
My worst encounter was in front of the library. I was making out with a guy because I wasn’t sure I wanted to go home with him yet. His hands were on my chest and I was thinking it was a bit much for a public cuddle. That was before I realized I was buttoning up my blouse, which I had sensibly unbuttoned – or so I thought – just enough to show a bit of my lace bra. I asked him what the hell he was doing to which he replied “You shouldn’t be showing so much skin”.
In the bold realm of things, that wasn’t so bad either. People are weird.
Other people have had far worse experiences, and often the only consolation prize is the story itself. At VICE, we love stories. So we asked a few people to share theirs with us.
A guy came over to spend the night at my place and we were relatively ok, apart from the fact that he also PISSED THE BED on me during the night. I thought I was sweating until I realized what had happened when I asked him if he peed the bed or not. He didn’t even seem surprised, all he said was: ah, damn…
We had to take apart the whole bed and wash the sheets and throw away my expensive mattress topper. I LATER LEARNED through acquaintances that I wasn’t the first and that they knew of at least two other times he peed on him while he was sleeping.
I went on a date with a guy a while ago and it was the WORST date. Here are some of the red flags we ignored.
- He didn’t have any money, so I paid for everything.
- He had a whiskey AND a beer while I had a beer.
- We accidentally met some of his friends and he didn’t introduce me. They ignored me for two hours while they
- talked about heavy stuff that I couldn’t get into.
- He invited me to his place to do ketamine. I agreed because I NEEDED it since the date was going so badly.
- When I refused his request for sex, he said it’s ok, then I’m going to fuck myself.
- He did his paw while I was standing there in the K-hole.
- He fell asleep as soon as he let go and as he fell asleep he let out the loudest, most disgusting fart.
- In the end I left, disgusted with him, but mostly with myself for not leaving sooner.
There are so many! I went on five dates on Hinge in seven days. I think I’m actually everyone else’s Hinge data nightmare. My worst Hinge date was when I was matched with a guy I knew wouldn’t like me and had a fight with on Hinge. Just to prove to him that we weren’t going to get along, I asked him out, but he wanted to come over to my place, where I had broken down half my bedroom door as a joke a few weeks before. Did he come to me and speak so slowly the whole time that I had to say sorry? all the time because I couldn’t hear him.
He was a kind of model. The conversation was not going well and then he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. I asked him what kind of movie. He wanted a comedy, so I put on a psychological thriller because I hated him. After 30 minutes she started kissing me and was making a dubious moan. I said You know I’m not going to fuck you, right? To which he asked me if he should go and I said yes, lol . But he was standing there like a polecat and I asked him: ok, do you want me to lead you out? He told me yes. It was so gross lol.
After that he texted me scolding me and I replied I just told you we wouldn’t get along and I was so right.
I got snotty at a bar a few years ago and asked the bartender (who after all that wine looked good) on a date with me. He agreed and we went out to a bar a few nights later. Awake I saw that it wasn’t clear my gender, but I digress.
Not even five minutes later, he tried to hold my hand across the table and look DEEP into my eyes. Then he told me how he was in prison because he beat someone. I started to see the warning signs and after several drinks for him, he asked me if I wanted to go to the bar where he works. It was on the way home and close enough, so I agreed, wanting to stay in public space.
It was open mic night at the bar where he works, so I sat down at a table close to the stage. He told me he was going to greet a colleague and to wait for him there for five minutes. Then I saw him come on stage WITH A GUITAR HE PULLED OUT OF NOWHERE , sat down on a chair and dedicated the next three horrible love songs to me.
EVERYONE at the bar thought it was a super romantic thing, but it was actually so gross and gross and I sat there while she was almost in tears a meter away, looking into my eyes and singing Can’t stop falling in love with you.
There are a lot of other things that happened that night that I could mention, but these stood out the most. He asked me to stay at my place because it was too far from home, but it was actually one subway station away. I ghosted him through messages (the only contact I had from him) and then he found me on all social media platforms , so I blocked him. I found out a few weeks later that he was fired from his job for making non-cis patrons uncomfortable.
The thing is, he used to attend the same Dungeons and Dragons (DND) night as my now boyfriend several years ago, and he confirmed to me that he’s never been to jail and acts like a jerk in DND campaigns. Maybe dating in real life isn’t as romantic as it used to be and we should stick to online instead.
***Not a terrible date, just a great story***
I made my Hinge date famous on TikTok.
And his colleagues called him the next day worried that he had no idea that some crazy girl made a video of him making fun of him. Several girls he was with contacted me.
It started as a joke that since I’m six years younger than him and I’m Gen Z, I warned him that I was going to make a TikTok about him. And then I think I was high and I told him I had an idea, I directed and did the whole thing in about five minutes. And that’s how I made the Hinge guy famous on TikTok.
I met a guy at a nice restaurant for a first date. We sat down, had the usual early date chats and ordered some drinks and food. One of the dishes ordered was marinated lamb ribs – honestly delicious.
As I reached down to take a bite, I saw the guy grab a napkin and start wiping the ribs in disgust. Obviously shocked, I asked him what exactly was wrong, and he started complaining about how he’s on a keto diet and pickles like that have too much sugar in them. He went on to explain his whole keto diet to me, including how much mayonnaise he has in the fridge and how four years ago he did the same thing and got super toned.
So here I am, standing in front of a 27-year-old grown man with a dirty mouth and sauce on his fingers, who is terrified. He insisted on continuing to eat, even though, in his own words, the marinade was “so full of sugar.” I watched him wipe the sauce off each rib, tear it apart with his teeth, get even more dirty on his face, and then try to wipe himself with a napkin already soaked in the sauce, which he then crumpled up and threw away table. It was like giving George Constanza a chocolate ice cream to eat.
Obviously after I finished eating and splitting the bill, I never saw this man (child?) again.
A Tinder guy stayed at my place for two weeks and I was too ignorant to realize that he probably had nowhere to stay and wasn’t actually avoiding the Russian mafia.
I had to enlist the help of an ex-biker neighbour to get him to leave. He said his roommate was working with the mafia and he couldn’t be home when he was doing that. Then I told him he had to leave early in the morning because I had work, only he didn’t and I had to leave (first day on the job). Then I came home ten hours later and he was still there. He pretended to sleep all day when my flatmates told me he ate all my food and then went across the street to buy fish and chips.
Then he got fired on the phone in front of me and called his dad to complain, it was so embarrassing. I finally managed to get him to leave (admittedly, after smoking some of the weed he had) and he stole my favourite t-shirt. After six months of no contact he called me on Christmas Eve to say that it might be his last day because the guys who stabbed him also stabbed his family and other shady shit.
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